Oct 20, 2005

A Reminder: Rules for Being a Good Republican

It's been stormy lately.
I was going through my notes and I found a list of the golden rules for being a good Republican. This is a public service reminder to those Repubs who are shaken by the incompetence and the corruption of their leadership, and, given the latest developments, confusion may have set in. Stay on the message folks, show who you really are.

* You have to believe that those privileged by birth achieve success all on their own.
* You have to believe that a drug addict is a moral failing and a criminal. Unless you're a multi-millionaire radio blabber--then it's an "illness" and you need our prayers for recovery.
* You have to believe that the US should get out the UN and that our foreign policy has a priority to enforce the UN resolutions against Iraq.
* You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a good profit.
* You have to believe that prayer in school is mandatory, as long as you don't pray to "false gods" like Budha, Allah, and ..Zeus.
* You have to believe that patriotism is waving a big American flag, talking big about sacrifice (by others), while you move your corporation off shore, firing American workers and moving their jobs overseas.
* You have to believe that the government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone who's having "immoral sex" in the privacy of their own home.
* You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but corporations can make decisions affecting everybody with no regulation.
* You have to believe that not only you talk to Jesus but Jesus talks back to you and tells you that he loves you, that God punishes the feminists, the gays, the hedonists, and all "stray" people en mass. Did I mention that God loves Bush and hates Hillary?
* You have to believe that the ACLU does the devil's work, unless it represents convicted felons, Oliver North, fundie Xtians, etc.
* You have to believe that sex education and condoms should stay out of school because everybody knows without them teenages won't have sex.
* You have to believe that talking big about our armed forces is good enough, while you commit our precious resources on a pack of lies, cut VA benefits, sending troops to Iraq without proper armor, and trick young people (mostly drawn from impoverished sects of society) to sign up & re-up on false promises about future benefits.
* You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to divide our friends and unite our enemies.
* You have to believe that government exists to help the corporate world, even helping monopolies, and by giving the corporation more rights than a citizen. Education, care for the environment, and health insurance should be decided by market forces.
* You have to believe that any movement is "progress" even if you're going backwards. Global warming, evolution, tobacco's link to cancer, are all "junk science" but creationism should be taught in schools as science.
* You have to believe that "compassionate conservatism" means that you care. You care about your own selfish world while you do little to affect positive social & economic change. You show that you care by forcibly trying to convert others to your own divinely-revealed truth. You care because you're afraid that God may hurt you inadvertendly when he unleashes his wrath on the sinners.

Please be free to add to this list; I'm sure I left lots out.


19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hahahhahaaaa... I'd laugh even harder if it weren't for the fact that too many Americans do believe this crap!

Geeshus said...

Jesus told me that Dubya is hitting the bottle again! Do you know what trouble this could mean? Having a relapsed alcoholic in charge? Oh, wait... My bad, Dickie is not an alcoholic! (he's got no heart, that's all)....

Anonymous said...

Did you hear that the White House is secretely conducting another search for Mier's replacement?

Andros said...

yeah, here's a source

Alanis said...

On a serious note, I hear that the Republicans are having a difficult time recruiting candidates for next year's elections. Especially in places where there isn't a large Republican majority of registered voters

Anne said...

Yes, and in other places that their seats were considered safe the Repubs are in trouble.

One think that pisses me off is that the Dems are screwing themselves in Ohio. Paul Hackett decided to run against the incumbent Repub senator after he was told by Sherod Brown that he had no plans of running, only to reverse himself later.

Hackett is a rising star and he's got an excellent chance of picking up that Senate seat from the Repugs.

Andros said...

Schumer (D-NY) who recruits and finances national candidates on behalf of the party was all exited to have Hackett run. Now he changed his tune and along with party leadership they're supporting an insider, Sherod Brown. I hear that Hackett is being pressured to withdraw. I hope that he doesn't. I also think that he can win this for us. Actually we need more straight talkers and "outsiders" to come in and help change politics in DC.
Did I mention that Hackett is an Iraq war vet?

Jeff said...

I couldn't agree with you more......
but speaking the truth (even yelling it from the highest mountain top) doesn't mean anybody is going to listen. It is a sorry fact that we are living in a national flock of sheep. Two elections stolen in a row and the Dems just caved, what can you do? If you operate outside of their power structure you'll find real quick that you're just a sitting duck terrorist in the cross hairs of Big Brother's Big Gun. Sorry to be so cynical; But I've been talking myself Blue In The FACE Since Nixon was in office about how full of shit the republicans are; Less government in our lives? Okay, How about getting Uncle Sam's head out from under my sisters skirt and minding his own business. But no he's there for the, ah the hell with this.... Blah Blah Blah my head is imploding.......... jeff

Anderson said...

We don't hear about this "compassionate conservatives" any more... I wonder why.. Was it because of Katrina? (or, "Karina" as Laura Bush called it?)

Radical Monk said...

Has anyone noticed that we're turning Iraq into a theocracy? Women are losing rights if the Koran becomes the basis of the law of the land...

Religious conformity may sound good to the fanatics until they're told that their brand is not welcome..... tsk.

Laura Pickles Bush said...

Several years ago, George told me that he would give up all sex until he became president, so he could screw everybody then!

Anonymous said...

at least he kept his promise....

that's what this country needs! someone who stays the course (never mind the approaching cliff)... maybe we need to fall and land on our face hard in order to learn.... awweeh

Alanis said...

Miers withdrew today...not a surprise. I think announcing this on Thursday means that they're expecting indictments so they want to burry the story....

Andros said...

I'm glad we didn't get another Thomas on SCOTUS, but Bush may try to nominate someone very conservative in order to pull his base together (the very conservatives) and make it an issue in 2006--the midterm elections. Also, a good fight about the next nominee may take some focus off the possible indictments of White House top officials.

Burke said...

I'm a conservative and I opposed Miers. She wasn't qualified. Period. And, yes, we do want to see someone very conservative on the high court to try to reverse the many decades of active judicial liberalism.

Andros said...

I didn't hear a sound from any conservative about Thomas's qualifications. This wasn't/isn't the issue. The cons want a very conservative ideologue on SCOTUS, and that's all.

Thomas has been the worst justice on the high court since Truman appointed his poker buddies to SCOTUS. Thomas is the only justice that hasn't asked questions during oral arguments, and doesn't write opinions--he just joins the conservative side. At least he's the only one who's been consistent, though constistenly wrong!

Kernel North said...

well, it seems that only "Scooter" (what a ridiculous name for an adult), Dick's chief of staff, is being indicted. I wanted to see more, even up to the prez & vp...

Andros said...

I think we'll see more indictments... This grand jury's term was expiring Friday so Fitzgerald had enough solid evidence for Libby.

But, I'm sure, he's not done; he said as much anyway. I'm wondering whether Libby will take on for the family, or whether Bush will pardon him....

At any rate this affair will continue well into the next year--midterm elections!

Tuli said...

Andros:

This is terrific and I have posted it on my site, with my thoughts added.

As always, you are instructive and entertaining.

This is the best combination in instruction pedagogy.

Regards, Tuli

PS This investigation is far from over. Read the indictment. It is devastating and a warning to the Administration, and perhaps Dick in particular.