A Reminder: Rules for Being a Good Republican

It's been stormy lately.
I was going through my notes and I found a list of the golden rules for being a good Republican. This is a public service reminder to those Repubs who are shaken by the incompetence and the corruption of their leadership, and, given the latest developments, confusion may have set in. Stay on the message folks, show who you really are.

* You have to believe that those privileged by birth achieve success all on their own.
* You have to believe that a drug addict is a moral failing and a criminal. Unless you're a multi-millionaire radio blabber--then it's an "illness" and you need our prayers for recovery.
* You have to believe that the US should get out the UN and that our foreign policy has a priority to enforce the UN resolutions against Iraq.
* You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a good profit.
* You have to believe that prayer in school is mandatory, as long as you don't pray to "false gods" like Budha, Allah, and ..Zeus.
* You have to believe that patriotism is waving a big American flag, talking big about sacrifice (by others), while you move your corporation off shore, firing American workers and moving their jobs overseas.
* You have to believe that the government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone who's having "immoral sex" in the privacy of their own home.
* You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but corporations can make decisions affecting everybody with no regulation.
* You have to believe that not only you talk to Jesus but Jesus talks back to you and tells you that he loves you, that God punishes the feminists, the gays, the hedonists, and all "stray" people en mass. Did I mention that God loves Bush and hates Hillary?
* You have to believe that the ACLU does the devil's work, unless it represents convicted felons, Oliver North, fundie Xtians, etc.
* You have to believe that sex education and condoms should stay out of school because everybody knows without them teenages won't have sex.
* You have to believe that talking big about our armed forces is good enough, while you commit our precious resources on a pack of lies, cut VA benefits, sending troops to Iraq without proper armor, and trick young people (mostly drawn from impoverished sects of society) to sign up & re-up on false promises about future benefits.
* You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to divide our friends and unite our enemies.
* You have to believe that government exists to help the corporate world, even helping monopolies, and by giving the corporation more rights than a citizen. Education, care for the environment, and health insurance should be decided by market forces.
* You have to believe that any movement is "progress" even if you're going backwards. Global warming, evolution, tobacco's link to cancer, are all "junk science" but creationism should be taught in schools as science.
* You have to believe that "compassionate conservatism" means that you care. You care about your own selfish world while you do little to affect positive social & economic change. You show that you care by forcibly trying to convert others to your own divinely-revealed truth. You care because you're afraid that God may hurt you inadvertendly when he unleashes his wrath on the sinners.

Please be free to add to this list; I'm sure I left lots out.